Accepting Me For Who I am is Not Enough - a coming out perspective

On the way home from the airport, I prompted my mom with questions about the queer community just to see where her mind is now at. She had told me a few months back that she is going to put in effort to understand me and my experiences as a queer person.

The conversation that evening in the car was intense. I was leaning my body forward from the back seat so I could be nearer to my mom. And my dad and sister were listening in, staying quiet.

My mom seemed to have played the role of a generic parent finding out their child is queer. She had told me that no matter what, I am her child and she will love and support me no matter what. A lot of queer people would have loved to hear those words. But to me, it felt hypocritical and unnecessary because just moments ago she had told me that “We need to help those pitiful transgender people by finding the roots to the problem of them ‘wanting to be transgender’”.

There was no difference between the her that spouted transphobic statements to me through the phone months ago and the her now that was supposedly “trying to understand”. I was angry. How dare she say that she supports me when she still holds the same queerphobic ideas that has made the world hell for queer people?

It had occured to me that a simple statement saying that she accepts me will never be enough, especially when i have never felt safe in my own house even after she had said that. Her words was not reflected in her actions. Those words were unnecessary because I know those are just empty promises and probably a way for her to assure herself that she was still a good mother.

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My mom is a devoted christian and sadly, that label explains all of her mindset and yet it shouldn’t. There are a lot queer christians and christian allies out there. They were able to be faithful yet not discriminatory. I believe that much of christianity’s interpretations of the bible was based on homophobia and transphobia and a lot of people, like my mother, took those interpretations as gospel. She had never looked at the issue of LGBTQIA+ without the lens of christianity that is, in fact, covered with homophobia and transphobia.

She had never even listened to actual stories from actual queer people except for mine and we all know that the community is not a monolith and one story is not enough. She, like most, has no right to bear an opinion about the queer community without even putting in any effort to understand our struggles.

I have never wanted her to leave christianity or to force the ‘gay agenda’ unto her, whatever that is. If someone can understand how horrible it is to have people forcing their beliefs unto them, it would be us, queer people. I just wanted her to try to be more open minded and to not give empty promises of support when she had never given the effort to actually even try and support me.

I don’t know what the future will hold for me and my mother. I am not holding out hope for a better relationship, there are many layers more hurtful than her ignorance that I would have to peel. What i know now is that she said she would try and I am forced to just have faith